How To Shotgun A Beer

Hello, and welcome to college. This is what you’ve been waiting for—what they kept telling you that you were spending all those hours wallowing in your own misery during class in high school for, what you took all those AP and SAT tests for, and why you were supposed to do well in the K-12 grades in the first place. It’s for this wonderful period in our lives that we call “College”, a period of growth and enlightenment that is supposed to be unrivaled by any other in our lives. And, just as society has come to expect from this generation so aptly labeled the “College Kids”, you are going to have to learn to imbibe alcohol more excessively than you may have ever thought imaginable. Because, after all, how is one supposed to go about their day getting smart without spending their nights getting DUMB?

And so we’ll start off with some “training wheels”, so to speak, and show you what’s the best way to drink a quantity of beer as fast as humanly possible. There are many ways to drink a beer with a quickness, but one of my favorite tried and true methods is to “shotgun” a beer. It’s quick, easy, and requires no external props aside from a can of beer and something sharp enough to poke a hole in the can with.

First, learn to drink beer. This might seem to be a step so simple that we might as well overlook it, but I have personally witnessed people without an affinity for beer attempting to drink cans of it with remarkable speed. The results have never been good, and have always been messy. So, spend a few weekends with our good friends Coors Light and Miller Genuine Draft, and learn to love the taste that so many beer manufacturers spend their lives producing so that we can enjoy their beverages at such an inexpensive price.

It might be advisable that once you learn to love the cool refreshing taste of beer that you learn to drink it quickly in a few ways other than shotgunning. One good example is to use a beer bong. While it’s a bit cumbersome to carry around, a beer bong is a useful instructional tool in that it forces the imbiber to open his or her throat and allow the quantity of beer down into their person with considerable velocity. It’s a good practicing tool, to be sure, as the advent of gravity allows the beer to be consumed in such a forceful manner that the imbiber would be ill-advised to attempt to resist (because, again, the results of such resistance are never good and are always messy). So some practice on a beer bong certainly couldn’t hurt.

Now on to shotgunning. First, get a beer (preferably cold) and something that could be used to poke a hole in it, preferably something sharp (like a knife or a key). Take the beer and make sure it isn’t shaken up by squeezing the can to see if it gives a little. If it does, you’re set; if it doesn’t, tap on the opening tab a few times with your finger so that the bubbles settle down a bit.

Now, take your can and locate where the mouthpiece is for when the beer would normally be opened. Directly below the mouthpiece, at the bottom of the side of the can of beer itself, is where you’re going to punch your hole. Take your piercing instrument and make the initial hole—the beer will fizz a bit and may spray a little, but this is normal. Once the initial hole has been punched, use your instrument to make the hole bigger; I usually try to make squares, but this is my personal preference. Make the hole around the size of a nickel or a quarter, as this will facilitate easy beer flow. Be sure to press any jagged edges that may have resulted from the hole punching into the can, because you don’t want to cut yourself in the middle of pounding your beer. Once you’re satisfied with the size of the hole and have judged the hole to be free of jagged edges, you’re ready to shotgun.

The shotgunning of the beer is actually the easiest and most fun part. What you’re going to do is, in one fluid motion, move the beer upright with the hole against your lips while at the same time opening the mouthpiece at the top of the beer in the same manner as you would if you were drinking the beer normally. The two holes create much the same gravitational effect that a beer bong does, causing the beer to flow out with considerable speed. Drink that beer, and drink it quickly so as not to waste any beer by unnecessarily spilling on yourself. Once finished, crush the beer can in your hands and spike it into the ground. Most importantly, be proud! You just drank an entire beer in a matter of seconds! Not only that, but you’re keeping the American economy moving by providing jobs for so many people who spend their lives producing beer for us to enjoy. In this regard, shotgunning beers is a truly patriotic activity, and Lord knows I’ve been known to take part in a couple whenever I’ve feeling particularly fond of my homeland.

And there you have it, you’ve just shotgunned your first beer. Good Job! Seeing how you’re in college, there’ll be many more of those to come, so practice some more soon, and often. There’s nothing quite as impressive as a person who can drink a beer faster than any of his counterparts.

Let me know how all of this goes for you, and give me some feedback in case I missed anything. I’m here to help all of us drink beer quickly, efficiently, and with pride.

So let me know!

-AG